User Story #3593

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One day at basic the DS announced that the SGT MAJ wanted everyone in the classroom right now. As per normal BCT SOP we had no f*cking idea what it was about but figured since a SGT MAJ was involved someone had really f*cked up. To our surprise the entire BN was there so instantly our fears were confirmed in our minds that it must be really bad.

After probably 45 minutes of sitting there waiting while the DS’s played f*ck-f*ck games with us the SGT MAJ shows up. At ease! The SGT MAJ says “sit down” in a thick New Jersey accent. “PVT S where the fuck are you?”

PVT S was in my platoon so we were all pretty much certain our DS was gonna make us pay for whatever PVT S had done to draw the SGT MAJ’s attention. Now PVT S was a short mother fucker. He had to technically be a midget but it was during the Iraq surge and the Army couldn’t be picky.

PVT S stood up and in a loud and thunderous (and slightly squeaky voice) announced “Here SGT MAJ.”

The SGT MAJ replied “Where god dammit? I said stand the f*ck up”

PVT S: “I am standing up SGT MAJ” Everyone laughed.

SGT MAJ “Jesus H Christ PVT S. They told me you were short but god dammit where the f*ck is the other half of my Soldier?” By this point everyone including the DS’s were rolling with laughter.

The SGT MAJ then says “The reason I am here is because the Human Resources Command has informed me that this unit now has the distinction of having the shortest male Soldier in United States Army history. PVT S here does not meet the minimum height requirement for the army. He’s not even close. Despite that he has passed the same PT standards as everyone else. He has completed every ruck march with gear that weighs 50% more than he does. He passed BRM with a rifle he can barely hold. And he is going to make a damn fine Soldier.” The SGT MAJ handed PVT S a coin and left.

To this day, every time I here someone bitch about a PT Test, a ruck march, or BRM I still remember that speech. I remember watching PVT S refuse to let anyone take weight off his ruck sack despite being in agonizing pain. I remember seeing a guy half the height of other people lapping them on the run. I remember seeing him knock down targets grasping the back of the magazine on an M16 because he could barely reach it. And I remember that there is no f*cking excuse for anyone who can’t do what the shortest male Soldier in the United States Army can do.

Suck it up, drink some water, rub some dirt in it and get it done Soldiers.

SGT H

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